"I can change him"

Can't I?

I recently had the pleasure and privilege of reading Blithe Saxon’s essay titled “I broke up with the best man I’ve ever known because I deserve more”. Not only did I deeply resonate with every single word but also I finally felt like I wasn’t stupid for breaking up with my ex. After reading Blithe Saxon’s wonderful substack I thought of checking the comments to see the praise she should be getting when I realized people did not understand her essay at all. The first comment I saw was pointing out she didn’t try enough to talk to him about the problems within the relationship. That comment alone inspired this essay.

4 Months ago, I was in the same exact situation, with a man who within the first few months of dating he thought I was his soulmate and as did I. He truly was everything I prayed for. He didn’t cheat (…) he loved listening, and he was everything in general I could’ve wanted. But then later, I saw the glimmer slip out from his eyes, as he realized I wasn’t his soulmate and nor was he mine. It doesn’t happen fast. But it feels fast. It was awkward when I realized that the small check-ins or the small oh this reminded me of you’s started to slowly fade into nonexistence. With my ex I had the conversation of change many times. First few conversations I thought he would change. I thought oh wow he’s listening and he’s changing. Right? Until one day when I was tired and I asked him to change something (I truly don’t remember what) and he replied with “this is who I am”. Not even that made me think oh maybe we just aren’t compatible. One day I asked him to talk about something we had talked about before but I was still feeling insecure about and he replied with “what do you want me to say”. I didn’t ask for the world. I didn’t want him to go back to the past and change what had happened. I had asked for words such as, I’m sorry, I understand, I love you. Even those could’ve kept me there a little longer. Then was when I realized, this wouldn’t work. I felt stupid. In a sense, I thought when he said he was going to change, he meant it. Or even if he didn’t change he loved me enough to fake it. I knew he didn’t mean it and he wouldn’t fake it, but I thought no, he said I was his soulmate, he’s going to change one of these days. He didn’t and at the end I ended up breaking up with him.

The second I said I want to break up I felt it in my gut that it was the right decision. Not because I didn’t try harder but because I knew no matter what I did he wouldn’t change. I always told him its okay, if this is who you are I promise that’s fine, maybe we just aren’t compatible, and he cried and promised he’d change. What’s funny now that I look back on it was all the times I prayed while he was in my arms. I used to pray “lord, keep all the men I don’t care about them just let me have this one please” and it’s just funny to think I prayed that hard for someone who didn’t change their ways just so I felt loved

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In the end the truth is if I knew he would change I would rotate the earth the other way, but I knew he wouldn’t. I truly tried. I used to think my suicidal ideation when I was with him was from me and not because we fought all the time. I fought against my own body, who was I to not fight against physics just to turn around the earth for him? But soon I realized he wasn’t ever going to change because even he didn’t believe his words. I wasn’t his soulmate. And that was the reality. Nothing could change that. Not even little old me :)